Vanilla or 31 Flavors?
Caramel cappuccino crunch, rosemary mint or honey lavender? They’ve all caught my eye. The boy waits patiently in his apron, ice cream scoop at the ready. I hear my dad order, “I’ll have one scoop of vanilla, please.”
“Vanilla!?” the boy says. “All these flavors, and you’re picking vanilla?”
I’ve come to learn, there’s some wisdom in my dad’s order.
In an age where many of us are striving to move to a “better” city, accelerate our careers and get more international trips under our belts, it might be the perfect time to practice being content right where we’re at – A good time to eliminate options, get really good at knowing we have everything we need, and understand it doesn’t get any better than this moment.
Explore or Stay Put?
I believed the meaning of life was all about exploration – I took art classes in Florence, backpacked around central America, and loaded all my belongings into my car to live in the mountains of Colorado. All the while, my parents remained consistently happy right where they were.
They grew up in a small town in Ohio, got married, built our house with their own two hands and had four children before they were 30. In contrast, my husband and I are more likely to move to a new spot after two years than plant a garden in our backyard.
My parents worked the same jobs from the moment they graduated college, (with one exception for my dad). I, on the other hand, advanced my career by moving from one job to another. I eventually started my own business where stability and workflow ebbs and flows like the tide.
After nearly fifteen years in Colorado, my husband and I are making the move back to Ohio to be near family. I find myself wondering if we’ll be happy there.
My siblings are happy in Ohio, but they’ve never left. Sure, they’ve traveled, studied and vacationed all over the world, but home was always home. They didn’t settle down elsewhere, leaving them to compare one lifestyle to another. There’s something impressive about finding contentment so easily and cultivating a feeling of grounding in an age where “van life” has sky-rocketed.
Is it better to explore, or better to cultivate happiness and fulfillment from within? Do we become less comfortable with what we have the more we explore?
Widespread Connections or Deep Roots?
A friend who spent many years building a solid foundation as a yoga instructor and social worker here in Colorado recently moved back to her hometown in Iowa. She put it best when she told me, “I have many wonderful relationships here, but none of those roots run deep.”
Robert Waldinger's TedTalk (which has seen nearly 30 million views) recaps a historical study of “What makes a good life.” Their biggest finding? Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. He explains that, “People who are more socially connected - to family, to friends, to community - are happier, physically healthier and live longer,” and that, “It’s not the number of friends you have... it’s the quality that matters. Living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.”
We’re learning how to network and become more emotionally intelligent, neither of which are bad things. But we may also want to seek wisdom from those who have managed to build a happy life without all the hopping, skipping and jumping – A bit of admiration for those who have evolved into a wiser person slowly and steadily.
Spontaneous Life or Sound Decisions?
The same job, the same house, the same people. For nearly 65 years, my parents knew, more-or-less, what tomorrow would look like.
I, on the other hand, lived for spontaneity. I was the instigator when I was young, more likely to say, “let’s do it,” than “we’d better not,” – Often winding up in trouble. As an adult, I’ve attempted to create flexibility in my schedule so I could let the “creative juices flow” at work – Usually leading to a gourmet chocolate bar and a walk by the river.
Brook Castillo put me in my place when she pointed out that spontaneity is overrated, and this desire for “freedom and flexibility” equals low productivity and a weak mind. She explains, when given too much freedom, our brains will always “seek comfort and pleasure, and avoid pain.” This generally results in immediate gratification but prolonged disappointment.
Make each day look “as much like groundhog day as possible.” This is the Tim Ferriss approach to step up productivity and life in general.
When we’re in the spontaneous, ever-exploring, on-to-the-next-thing mindset, we can get caught in the hedonistic happiness trap. Dan Harris explains, “This is the lie we tell ourselves our whole lives: as soon as we get the next meal, party, vacation, sexual encounter, as soon as we get married, get a promotion, get to the airport check-in, get through security and consume a bouquet of Auntie Anne’s Cinnamon Sugar Stix, we’ll feel really good... The pursuit of happiness becomes the source of our unhappiness.”
Hedonistic or Eudaemonic?
So why are we so busy exploring? Pay attention and check if it’s motivated by hedonistic reasons such as:
I’ll be happier there
I need an escape
The weather/people are nicer there
Or if you’re moving on for eudaemonic reasons like:
I’ll learn how they live
I may be able to help more people with this perspective
This is part of my purpose in life
If you do decide to explore, are you able to return with equal, if not more appreciation than you previously had?
As an ever-growing, fast-paced, competitive society, it’s easy to develop contempt for those who are simply content. Perhaps we should learn from those individuals instead. Maybe “the good life” was being lived by those who stuck with vanilla all along. Steve Tyrell sang it best, “Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant. Those things roll off my knife; Just serve me tomatoes; and mashed potatoes; Give me the simple life.”
